Why aren’t women funny?
They pee it out. Like vitamins you don’t need.
How hard was it for you to break into the business?
When I first started out, I passed out fliers for the Boston Comedy Club in New York in exchange for stage time. One time I was on the corner, and some guy knocked me unconscious. I was trying to break up a fight between him and a man in a chicken costume, who was handing out fliers, too. The guy punched me square in the temple and knocked me out.
Did the chicken help you?
The chicken didn’t do shit! He wasn’t even there when I woke up. Another time this homeless Vietnam vet was walking toward me and staring. I handed him a flier and he snapped and started choking me. People had to pull him off.
How did you get back at hecklers?
I used to be very serious and have a discussion with them, like, “What’s wrong with you?” Just abandon trying to be funny. But this one time, recently, this middle-aged black man took offense at some of the black jokes in my act and started yelling that I wasn’t funny, blah, blah. So I said, “Don’t blame me, blame the guy who writes my material.” He said, “Who’s that?” I said, [black comedian] “Paul Mooney.”
You don’t shy away from controversial material. Have you ever thought to yourself, I can’t say that. It’s too mean.
No, because I tend to put my foot in my mouth. As soon as I think I shouldn’t do something, I end up doing it. I was at the Improv, and there were some kids who looked like they were about 14. I thought, I shouldn’t do this joke if there’s a 14-year-old in the audience. But I still ended up talking about coming on someone’s face. I felt like I had raped their brains.
What do you make of kids having anal sex to avoid pregnancy?
It’s the new Neopets. They like to wear their prolapsed anuses on chains around their necks. But that’s a great joke: “These kids today! So much anal!”
Is this uptight political climate we’re in now too much to resist, though?
I’m not a political comic, but socially? Yeah. We’re in a weird time. The rules have changed. Remember when Archie Bunker was the right-wing guy and spewed all this racist stuff, and Meathead, the liberal, was like, “You can’t say that. It’s not nice.” Now the people on the left are all “Freedom of speech! If I want to say ‘nigger this…’” and the conservatives are saying, “Don’t say that, it’s not nice.”
That’s a good point.
Yeah. I’m really smart when I can focus.
You were in The Aristocrats. Is that joke really an underground phenomenon?
It is, yeah. You know how a Catholic school girl will get titillated by the word “pussy” but a sex fiend needs, like, five midgets just to get off? In order to make a comic laugh, it has to be taboo.
Speaking of Jimmy Kimmel, how long—in minutes—will it take for you to leave him after his show gets canceled?
I’d wait a full day. Just to show I’m supportive. Then…we’d grow apart.
You have kind of a tough persona, so tell us what makes you melt?
March of the Penguins. I didn’t see the movie, but I watched the trailer online, and it was so cute it hurt. I can’t watch it. Honestly, I’d rather watch Schindler’s List. That I can handle, because the stuff with the penguins really happened…