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katie jane

             chocolate clouds.             
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Following Kissa and Shman's Example: QUOTES OF THE DAY [07.11.06 @ 02:27pm]
"If they keep crashing stuff into the moon, the moon's gonna get pissed off, and the tides'll change, and all the women'll start PMS-ing together. Then you guys are going to fucking regret it."

"I can't have discussions about it anymore, I just can't. When someone asks me if I've found Jesus, I say, 'Yeah, I saw him at a Nirvana concert a couple of years ago.' It's like, Jesus has got things to do, he's got a ten o'clock. He's not going to fix things for me, I have to fix things for myself, so I try and have a sense of humor about it and nobody finds my humor very amusing. We've just got to lighten up on the savior bit, folks. You know, get off the cross, we need the wood."
4 +++

[04.10.06 @ 10:50pm]
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when i grow up i wanna join the [03.21.06 @ 09:50pm]
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+++

[03.21.06 @ 07:45pm]
i
completely
and
utterly
and
totally
and
wholly
and
entirely
failed
my hearing test today.
+++

[03.20.06 @ 09:45pm]
Remember, remember, the fifth of November
the gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason
why the gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes
Guy Fawkes
'twas his intent
to blow up the King
and the Parliament.
Three score barrels
of powder below
Poor old England to overthrow
By God's providence
he was catch'd
With a dark lantern
and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys,
make the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys,
God save the King!
+++

Amanda, it's OK, you can come out of the closet now. [03.16.06 @ 08:32pm]
[ mood | she says "oh my god-- ]

Me: "Yeah, well, you guys know you don't want me to drive."

Natalie: "Damn right."

Me: "Yeah, i just tend to get lost no matter what. I have no inherent sense of direction, it's true."

Amanda: "Yeah, i get lost easily too! Hell, i get lost in a closet!"

Natalie: "Yeah, that's why you haven't come out yet."

6 +++

there's a gay man inside you and he's trying to get out [03.15.06 @ 10:56pm]
Karissa: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah FABULOUS!!!"

Me: "....Karissa.... you're a gay man."

Karissa: "What?"

Me: "You are... you're a gay man trapped in the body of a tiny asian girl."

Marielle: "Haha, it's true!"

Karissa: "What?! No it's not!"

Me: "Yes...yes, it is."

Karissa: "No!"

Me: "We need to give you a gay man name."

Karissa: "NO! ..... Andrae!"

Marielle: "No, that's already taken!"

Me: "Raymundo."

Karissa: "Stop it!"

Me: "....."

Karissa: "....."

Marielle: "Lyle."
1 +++

[03.15.06 @ 06:02pm]
SHMANDA DECK-ERR-MEN-GEE IS NOW A LICENSED DRIVER
3 +++

[03.01.06 @ 11:19pm]
KISSA COME BACK!!
4 +++

i'm not a star wars fan & i'm not catholic, but somebody besides me has HAD to have seen this [01.29.06 @ 08:41pm]
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3 +++

[01.29.06 @ 02:32pm]
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2 +++

sarah silverman interview [01.28.06 @ 12:53am]
[ mood | it's funny ]

 

Why aren’t women funny?
They pee it out. Like vitamins you don’t need.

 

How hard was it for you to break into the business?
When I first started out, I passed out fliers for the Boston Comedy Club in New York in exchange for stage time. One time I was on the corner, and some guy knocked me unconscious. I was trying to break up a fight between him and a man in a chicken costume, who was handing out fliers, too. The guy punched me square in the temple and knocked me out.

Did the chicken help you?
The chicken didn’t do shit! He wasn’t even there when I woke up. Another time this homeless Vietnam vet was walking toward me and staring. I handed him a flier and he snapped and started choking me. People had to pull him off.

 

How did you get back at hecklers?
I used to be very serious and have a discussion with them, like, “What’s wrong with you?” Just abandon trying to be funny. But this one time, recently, this middle-aged black man took offense at some of the black jokes in my act and started yelling that I wasn’t funny, blah, blah. So I said, “Don’t blame me, blame the guy who writes my material.” He said, “Who’s that?” I said, [black comedian] “Paul Mooney.”

 

You don’t shy away from controversial material. Have you ever thought to yourself, I can’t say that. It’s too mean.
No, because I tend to put my foot in my mouth. As soon as I think I shouldn’t do something, I end up doing it. I was at the Improv, and there were some kids who looked like they were about 14. I thought, I shouldn’t do this joke if there’s a 14-year-old in the audience. But I still ended up talking about coming on someone’s face. I felt like I had raped their brains.

What do you make of kids having anal sex to avoid pregnancy?
It’s the new Neopets. They like to wear their prolapsed anuses on chains around their necks. But that’s a great joke: “These kids today! So much anal!”

Is this uptight political climate we’re in now too much to resist, though?
I’m not a political comic, but socially? Yeah. We’re in a weird time. The rules have changed. Remember when Archie Bunker was the right-wing guy and spewed all this racist stuff, and Meathead, the liberal, was like, “You can’t say that. It’s not nice.” Now the people on the left are all “Freedom of speech! If I want to say ‘nigger this…’” and the conservatives are saying, “Don’t say that, it’s not nice.”

That’s a good point.
Yeah. I’m really smart when I can focus.

 

You were in The Aristocrats. Is that joke really an underground phenomenon?
It is, yeah. You know how a Catholic school girl will get titillated by the word “pussy” but a sex fiend needs, like, five midgets just to get off? In order to make a comic laugh, it has to be taboo.

 

Speaking of Jimmy Kimmel, how long—in minutes—will it take for you to leave him after his show gets canceled?
I’d wait a full day. Just to show I’m supportive. Then…we’d grow apart.

You have kind of a tough persona, so tell us what makes you melt?
March of the Penguins. I didn’t see the movie, but I watched the trailer online, and it was so cute it hurt. I can’t watch it. Honestly, I’d rather watch Schindler’s List. That I can handle, because the stuff with the penguins really happened…

 

+++

please please please, no more melodies, they lack impact they're petty, they've been made up already [01.20.06 @ 07:11pm]
[ mood | please please please no ]

okay, so i woke up today at about 1:30.pm.
i ate breakfast/lunch and read something.
i fell asleep again at 2:45-ish
i just woke up abaout an hour and a half ago.
and there it was.
a package for me.
from them.
them being my uncle and aunt.
every year it happens.
a christmas present from whatever country they're currently in.
and every year it is the worst present i get.
so i just stood there, staring at it, afraid to open it.
not yet ready to brave the tacky horrors it promised.
as i stood there in a sleepy stupor, i recalled my past presents from them.


when i was 13, it was
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but with a face like
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on a swing of leaves.
from some country in Europe.
it scared the crap out of me.
my mom made me put it up in my room.
every night i thought it was going to pulla Chucky on me and get me while i slept.
i finally got rid of it, passing it off as a birthday present for Laura.
sorry, laura.
then, when i was 14, it was
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except blue.
i believe from Italy.
i think it's still in my closet.
at my old house.
then when i was 15, my brothers and i all got the same thing.
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african maraca type things with shells.
they're still in my drawers, hidden under my Pop-Up Pirate.
you guys think i'm making this up.
no.
then last year, i got something i actually liked.
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socks from Mongolia.
they were uber warm and tough enough to function as slippers.
i like them a lot.
they're pretty big, and i feel like a ninja when i wear them.
that year my mom got this wild pillow from east china.
she gave it to the cat.


now there i was, staring at the bow.
maybe it would be something cool again.
or edible, like those rock candies from Utah.
i got those when i was about 11.
so, maybe there was hope.
i opened the first part- it was a box of tissues.
i thought it was weird, and then i opened the box and almost cried.Collapse )

3 +++

you all need to go see this, now. seriously, NOW. [01.17.06 @ 09:19pm]
[ mood | me brother is obsessed w/ RENT ]

i laughed SO hard i cried. it's a 'lost episode of alias' made by some people; it's like a parody. it looks like it was expensive too, and i don't know who made it but it's hysterical.

http://www.newbornpix.com/alias.htm

karissa, amala, anyone who watches or has seen ALIAS, at LEAST watch the first 5 minutes- HYSTERICAL.

+++

impulse purchases are killing me [01.15.06 @ 03:47pm]
[ mood | yellow bullet ]

things to get so i dont forget:

 

2046

Crash

ecstacy

*  potatoe stamp dreams

* pocket guide to architecture

* pretty persuasion

ashes & snow

* lost&delirious

* pink gun bag

* korean potatoe snacks

1 +++

[01.12.06 @ 07:55pm]
Yoda needs to give me some better advice or Yoda needs to shut the fuck up.
2 +++

a convo between me and the man hunter [01.09.06 @ 11:13pm]
my eskimo alias: meh. 32 ain't that old.
my eskimo alias: oh wait- YES, YES IT IS.
my eskimo alias: IT IS SHMAN.
NYUFilmGirl: I KNOW
my eskimo alias: BAD SHMAN
my eskimo alias: BAD
NYUFilmGirl: Which is why I lowered the age max
my eskimo alias: good
my eskimo alias: i think
my eskimo alias: whats the age max?
NYUFilmGirl: to 30
my eskimo alias: NO!
NYUFilmGirl: OK 29
my eskimo alias: NOT ALL THAT GREAT, SHMAN
NYUFilmGirl: OK for u Katie 29
my eskimo alias: GEE, THANKS SHMAN
NYUFilmGirl: But my resolution is NOT to date until AFTER I'm 18 then its not creepy (18 is NOT about sex. No body is getting any from me) BUT after 18 I'm on a HUNT for a prom date
my eskimo alias: HAHAHAHAHA AMEN SISTA GIRLFRIEND!
NYUFilmGirl: MMHHHHHHHMMMMM
NYUFilmGirl: *moves head in circle*
5 +++

NOTORIOUS C.H.O. [01.05.06 @ 09:43pm]
It's time that African-Americans and Korean Americans put aside their differences and focus on what's really important: hating white people!

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I was hanging out in the one gay bar in all of Scotland. They have *one* gay bar. It was called C.C. Bloom's. C.C. Bloom is the name of the character that Bette Midler played in Beaches. That is the gayest thing I have heard in my entire life. That place should just be called Fuck Me In The Ass... Bar and Grill.

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I don't have some kind of cavernous pussy.

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So, I said to him: you know, when you come over. You don't have to bring me flowers. Just bring me some Hershey's Chocolate Kisses so I can suck them off your dick. And he didn't bring them!
[impersonating her ex-boyfriend]
Well, I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke!
[normal voice]
What kind of fucking joke is that? That is not a joke! Knock-knock, who's there? Chocolate. Chocolate who? I'm gonna suck Chocolate off your dick! Waaah!

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You feel left out? It's like a group outing! Nobody's invited. Everybody just knows to come!

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[about the G-spot] If there's a woman here who has one, please show me where it is. I will follow you in my car. Because I'm starting to think that it doesn't exist. I think the G stands for: Gotcha! Made you look!

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And if gay men had a period? What do you mean, if? There would be huge period circuit parties happening. Come on down to the Red Party at Club Mensies. Oooh-oooh!

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I didn't know if I was going to talk about menstruation. But, I thought... I bet if Richard Pryor had a period, he would talk about it. So I felt justified.

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Margaret: [imitating herself as a kid] There were no korean americans on TV when i was growing up. I'd dream of stardom! Like, maybe I could play a hooker in something! I'd be looking in the mirror: Sucky fucky two dollar. Me love you long time.

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You have to be tough to be a drag queen. Drag queens have to fight everything. They have to fight homophobia. They have to fight sexism. They have to fight pink eye.

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I just got back from Scotland. People fucking drink there! Oh my God! There's more vomit in the street than dog shit.

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There's been a lot of activity in and around my ass lately.

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I learned everything I know about being a woman from gay men. I learned all about sex from gay men. I kind of have sex like a gay man. I act like a gay man most of the time, actually.

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Margaret: [doing an impression of her mother] I think everybody little bit gay. I tell you gay story about daddy. No, I no say daddy gay. You put the word in mommy's mouth... but don't tell him I tell you.

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But I guarantee you, if straight men had a period you would never hear the end of it.

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Her Mother: Mommy think everybody... little bit gay. You know how you have that friend, and you love that friend so much you don't know what to do? ...it's kind of gay

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2 +++

Do you take drugs / so you can have sex without crying? [01.05.06 @ 09:21pm]
[ mood | JESUS IS MAGIC!!!! ]

JESUS IS MAGIC!

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"I love you more than bears love honey. I love you more than Jews love money. I love you more than Asians are good at math. I love you even if it's not hip. I love you more than black people don't tip. I love you more than Mexican's need a bath. I love you like Gary Busey. I love you more than dykes love pussy. I love you more than my after-show monster bong hit..."

"Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes."

"When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS."

"So I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis when it suddenly hit me. Oh my GOD. I am turning into my mother!"

"Hey Martin Loser King... I had a fuckin' dream, too!"

"The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager."

"Nazi's are fuckin' a-holes man. but, they're so cute when they're little! it's like, 'aww, i don't want it to grow up!"

"If black people had been around in the 40's in germany, i really don't think the holocaust would have happened. not to jews anyway."

"what the fuck is up with jewish people who drive german cars? nad, i mean, if Hitler knew that in sixty years the people he had based his genocide around would be driving German made cars, would he have changed his opinion? Killing customers just isn't good for business "

"I don't mean to belittle the events of Sept 11th. The events on that day were tragic, unforgiveable, and unforgettable. It was the day I found out the soy chai latte I had been drinking everday was 900 calories"

"People love things that come first. That's why American Airlines' slogan should be 'American Airlines: First through the towers'. Because they were first"

"I was raped by my doctor, which is sort of bittersweet for a Jewish girl."

"what is the world coming to when a nice jewish girl can't say 'chink' on national TV?"

"i'm not racist! in fact i was dating this half-black guy but it ended because i'm stupid and clingy adn i suck...wait- i'm hearing myself say these things, and i'm so pessimistic! i'm sorry, he was half-white..."

"kids need motivation. i told my neice everytime she loses at tag an angel gets AIDS. you know what? she wins."

sung to a retirement home: "You're gonna die soon, you're gonna die soon, we're all gonna die, just not as soon as you guys!"

"Thats not sex. no. reason number one: doody comes out of there. reason number two: doody comes out of there. you really don't need another reason when there's doody involved."


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4 +++

[01.05.06 @ 08:49pm]
What I need is a good defense
cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal.
and I need to be redeemed
to the one I sinned against
because he was all I ever knew of love.
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